Felic

Yesterday was a very important day for me. And a lot of other people.

It’s been one year. Since a dear part of our community, Felic—Noel—left us. We weren’t best friends. We hung around the same group, occasionally shooting the shit. Cooking BBQ, going to parties, chilling.

We came from two different worlds. Complete opposites of each other. But by some stroke of luck we crossed paths for a while in this cold world.

He was a simple man, a rebel, a vagabond, a free spirit. But he was good. He never meant anyone any harm. He was a thoughtful man with sharp instincts and quiet depth. The world underestimated him, and he underestimated himself.

He let the noise convince him he's not good enough.

But he was. More than enough. And I wish I had told him that.

I wish I had messaged him. I think about it all the time. One small message might’ve changed something. Might’ve reminded him he mattered. Even for a second.

But I didn’t.

And now I live with that silence.

Looking back at it now in hindsight I think of his funeral. I think of the mass of people that was there to show their respect to a fallen brother. I remember looking around me and seeing the pain his death caused everyone.

But then I stop myself.

I reflect.

I realize that although he is gone from this world he lives inside all of us. In our memories. In the music we listen to, the walks we take, the views we admire. The meditative techno beats we all adore in this country and I say to myself.

Thank you, Fel.

And sorry.

Because although your death brought about immeasurable amounts of pain. It also brought hope. Hope that the world can be a better place. That it's okay to laugh when things get too serious. That's it's okay to dance when life gets unbearable. That no matter where or who you are you always have a shoulder to cry on.

We all needed that reminder. Every last one of us in that church on that day one year ago. It's a tough reminder but it is a reminder nonetheless. That we can all take a step back and reflect on the choices we make. The words we utter to our comrades. And the perceptions in each other we have to struggle with every day.

This post isn’t about guilt. It’s about remembering. It’s about seeing someone properly—maybe for the first time—and not looking away.

If someone crosses your mind while you read this, message them.

Don’t wait.

Don’t overthink it.

Because Felic deserved more messages.

More reminders.

More time.

Now he's gone.

And nothing I do or say can change that. But he is always with me, in my memory. A tortured soul who needed a kind word.

He suffered in silence and didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But he's at peace now. And I will make this promise to him on this blog.

I won’t let it happen again.

Fly high Felic.🕊️

Until we meet again.

I reaaaaaaaally hope there's some chips involved.

Talk soon - matt

Note: I've added a song I heard as I was driving home that reminds me of him below, that I think he would have loved. It reminds me of him now.

i won't let you down 🕊️